So MH (my husband) and I decide we need a little family trip. A little family trip. Yep. So M#1S (My number one son - yeah I only have one but I call him that anyway) is not happy but we cajole him into it. Now my family doesn't take vacations like Disneyland or New York. We take little local trips generally to the mountains. MH likes mountains and he can't travel far. So MH and I find this theoritical dude ranch on line with sweet little cabins tucked into the big piney Uintah mountains (that's Utah folks). It looks beautiful and scenic and cool and quiet. There is even a cafe on the ranch so I don't have to do the cooking. Nice. We book it. More cajoling for M#1S and we are ready.
At work though, a friend of mine tells me she has booked a condo on Maui for a week and if I get a plane ticket I can come stay in her condo for free! Free. Hmmm. I have the money (thank you US government), I have a week off from work (thank God - and I mean that literally not as profanity), but I also have the family trip planned. Yep. Family trip. Family ALWAYS comes first with me. ALWAYS. (Besides M#1s won't be home that much longer) so bye bye Hawaii hello Hanna Utah.
We drive and drive and drive and drive and finally get to said theoritical "dude ranch". Theoritcal being the optimum word. I hang out in the dude ranch bar/office while this woman goes and tells another family she has inadvertantly given them our cabin and they should be in the deluxe cabin. They don't want to switch so we get the "deluxe" cabin. Now I don't know what their version of deluxe but this sure as hell ain't even close. She gives me a key the size of a postage stamp - I am not kidding.
We drive up to find our cabin. and you cannot believe this place. There is no sweet little cabins tucked into big pines. There are crap little cabins nearly butted up against each other in a small circle - the circle being pretty much tucked into a white trash trailer park (no I am still not kidding). The scenery in the middle of this circle is a line of garbage cans overflowing with trash and flies - and oddly enough a large sign proclaiming this to be bear country. (Maybe this is an announcement to the bears - as this looks like a freaking bear buffet).
We open the lock on the cabin - the lock is also the size of a postage stamp. M#1S says - looking at the lock "Well- I feel safe". We walk into our "deluxe" cabin. It is 100% plywood. No paint No real walls - just plywood. (Unless you count the graffitti as paint) and 2 teeny tiny windows. The floor is filthy. The beds are encased in the same plastic we use for body bags at work - and filthy. No way I am even sitting on one of these beds, let alone sleeping on one. There is one circa 1940's sofa with several tears, worn spots and stains. If this is deluxe what the hell are the bottom of the line cabins like?
M#1S - who abhors profanity, looks around and says "I am not staying in this shit hole". Out the front door and through the garbage dump there is screeching and yelling. One of the cabins on that side is occupied by a mutant family. There are 10 to 12 people sitting around an empty fire pit (It is 83 degrees). This group , obviously a product of serious inbreeding, are all commanded by a 400 pound she slug who seems to sit her rather large rear end in a rather small folding camp chair and screeches commands to anyone in sight.
Yeah - we turned around, turned in the key, took a loss and found somewhere else to stay. We found rooms above a cafe in Tabiona. They were clean and quiet and comfortable. We did go up into the Uintah's caught some fish, bonded, had some fun .... but dammit.... I gave up Hawaii for this !!!!!!
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